那些让你笑了半辈子，每次给别人讲自己都会爆笑的笑话！精选

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段子1

个英国某大学的数学教授发现自己家的下水道堵了，就请来一个水管工来修。

30分钟后，水管疏通了。教授相当满意水管工的表现，但当他看到账单后不禁大叫："什么！ 就30分钟你收的钱当我一个月收入的1/3了！我去当水管工好了！"

水管工说，"你可以去啊，我们公司正招人呢，还包培训。

不过你得说你只是小学毕业，公司不喜欢学历太高的人"。于是教授就去参加培训，当了水管工。

他的收入一下翻了三倍。他比以前高兴多了。

几年后，公司突然决定把水管工们的文化水平提高到初中毕业，便要求旗下的工人们都去上夜校。

夜校的第一堂课是数学。老师想先看一下这些水管工的基础有多好，于是他随便抽了一个人上来写圆面积的公式。

这个教授被抽中了，不过他已经忘了圆面积的公式是PI×R^2。于是他只好从头推导：把圆无限分割后积分。但他得出的结果是负的PI×R^2。

尴尬ing，教授从头又来，结果还是负的。他非常尴尬，于是回过头向教室里坐着的几十个水管工同事求助。

只见这些同事正在交头接耳，纷纷给他说：把积分上下限交换一下...

段子2

织女 "你烦人！" 牛郎 "操你妈你是神仙你牛逼"

段子3

看"片"字，仔细看，认真看，像不像奥特曼打小怪兽的姿势

这个当时让我笑了好久，我承认我笑点低啊。。。

段子4

单位新来一妹子 经过一段时间的学习后她的师傅觉得该考考她"知道什么是角阀吗？

""知道啊 拿脚开的就是脚阀嘛".....她师傅一头黑线的走掉了……

我凑上前去"拿脚开的？就叫角阀吗？""对啊""

那……拿手开的呢？就叫手阀吗？

""对啊""好吧 麻烦你给我解释下 球阀怎么开？"

段子5

.喝醉了，去坐出租车。

刚上车司机就问："小伙子，喝了不少吧?"

"哎呦！师傅鼻子挺灵的，闻出来了？"

出租司机："滚！赶紧从我车顶上下来！"

段子6

打小崇敬岳飞，打算去纹个"精忠报国"，以明心志。

到了店里跟纹身师傅说："麻烦您，给纹个精忠报国。"

没想到纹身又慢又疼，好一会儿之后，疼晕过去了。

醒了之后，师傅居然还在纹。

"师傅，还没好啊？！"

"快了！有点耐心，已经纹到'马蹄南去人北望了'。"

段子7

昨晚喝了点酒开车，被交警拦下了，要求我测试酒精浓度，我灵机一动掏出打火机，同时哈了口气，用火球击退了交警。

段子8

刚刚去楼下看到两小破孩吵架，甲对乙说："你信不信我打你爹"？

乙说："不信" 。

然后甲果断的抽了自己俩嘴巴，转身走了。

留下乙独自在风中凌乱……

段子9

段子10

大海边的一户人家惨遭丧子，五岁的男孩在海边被浪花卷走再也没有回来。

家人悲痛欲绝，尸体是找不回来了，母亲对着大海哭了三天，父亲则是对着翻滚的大海沉默无言

按照当地的风俗习惯，对于意外丧生的人，要在头七那天找灵媒通灵，让死去的人附身，说一说遗言遗愿，家人完成后好让他走的安心。

这家人便遵着习惯在头七那天请了一个七十多岁的神婆灵媒，来附魂吐一吐死去孩子的怨气和遗言。

可是有一个大问题，没有尸体。男孩的尸体并没有被找到，父母只好寻了点男孩生前衣物放在棺材里，打算做一个衣冠冢。灵媒看了看棺材里的衣物说，你家孩子的魂魄随着尸体丢在了大海里，凭着这些衣物恐怕很难成功附到他的魂。

家人又是痛哭，说只想听听孩子的遗愿，让他安心的走云云。灵媒摆摆手说，也罢，今天我就帮你去捞尸。

说完灵媒咬破了手指，用血在男孩的衣物上画了一道符，然后死死的盯着那家父母说，大海深不可测，每年死在海里的人不计其数，我只能靠这些衣物加强我和你孩子的联系 ，找不找的到你孩子的魂也只是看运气，而且。。。父母大气不敢出，等着灵媒接着说下去。

灵媒接着说道："而且，海里不只有死人，还有许多未知的东西，所以一会附身后有任何不对劲，马上把我杀掉，不要犹豫。" 父母既是感动又是害怕，原来灵媒这一次是赌上了性命，父母二人也是跪在地上，连连感谢。

说罢灵媒闭上眼睛，嘴里嘀咕着古法咒语，片刻后突然怒目圆睁，瘫倒在地。那户人家头一次看到人睁着眼睛瘫倒的场景，大气不敢出，

一秒。。

两秒。

。三秒。。

四秒。。

五秒。。

灵媒的身体突然开始剧烈抖动。在场的人心头一紧，忽然想起灵媒之前说的话。"而且海里不只有死人，还有许多未知的东西，所以一会附身后有任何不对劲，马上把我杀掉，不要犹豫。"还有许多未知的东西，

是什么？怪物？野兽？恶鬼？或是。。。

一秒。。

两秒。。

三秒。。

四秒。。

五秒。。

灵媒抖了五秒之后，突然从地上坐了起来，睁着大眼睛看着在场的人。男孩的父亲举起猎枪，对准了灵媒，准备随时扣动扳机。

母亲则是捂着嘴不让自己叫出声，眼泪已经流了满脸，灵媒猛地跳起来，抓起一个捕鱼网，在场的人心都提到了嗓子眼！灵媒开口说话了，高亮、尖锐的声音划破了现场的寂静：。。。。。。。。

派大星我们去抓水母吧~~~~~！！！！！

段子11

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